Archive for December, 2009

You walk up to the box office and ask “What’s good here?” not having a clue what any of the movies are about. As the employee explains the plot to one of the movies you ask him “Do other people like it?” and take out your cell phone to place a call to your girlfriend who doesn’t know anything about movies either.  After getting her opinion you ask “Do you have a student discount?” so you can save money on something you obviously don’t need to spend money on. Then you decided to see the movie with the actor who’s name you think rings a bell and lay your twelve dollars down without hesitation asking “Can I buy popcorn here or do I have to go over there?” with a serious face then look lost when your told over there. You’d have it no other way but to spend two hours watching a screen and trying to read sub titles for two hours and then come out and complain that the movie wasn’t in English. It’s your big day out and your gonna kill your time the best way you know how. By wasting it!

Your kid is crying lady. Get him out from under my feet.

I cracked up when I ran across this site today. It reminds me of many Santa Claus experiences I had at the malls in and around Philly growing up.

One year, my Mom took me all the way out to the Exton Mall to see Santa. It was always a big treat to go all the way out there. They had a particularly good ice cream store and these really cool water fountains. I had very high expectations.

Unfortunately, their Santa smelled like poop and was mean.

Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that was the last time I wanted to actually see Santa. I figured if the guy was gonna smell that bad and be nasty, I’d rather he drop the toys off while I was asleep. It also occurred to me that this may just be the real reason he visited our homes at night.

Anyway, it’s great that these guys created a site to share these precious moments, like mine, in photographs for everyone. Brilliant.

Area vampires, such as this one, have upped attacks on innocent humans and Red Cross blood drives

In yet another foray into Philadelphia institutions and the unions that drive them, the local chapter of the Teamsters union is feuding with none other than the Red Cross. Yes, the non-profit organization that makes sure life preserving blood is available to medical facilities all around the world.

Not only have they been accused of blocking trucks carrying blood, but local vampire incidents have suddenly spiked as well leading union opponents to accuse the union of  trying to create a blood shortage.

“The use of vampires to drain people of blood is a brilliant way to corner the blood market and gain a situational advantage,” a source told us. They requested anonymity because of fear of being bitten by a vampire, becoming a vampire and then being thrown into the daylight.

Teamster members that work at the Red Cross pack and store blood, load trucks, deliver blood, assist at blood drives and have no sense of human compassion or the concept of dignity. The complaint from the union cites that the The Red Cross is seeking to reduce lunch breaks to 60 minutes from 120 minutes. They also demand that all other positions within the Red Cross be unionized.

“We need union carpenters to build better racks for the blood. We need electricians to power the blood, plumbers to work the blood pipes and painters to paint the blood,” the Teamster picketers told us. “And we don’t know anything about any vampires. All we know is they are make believe monsters.”

Calls to representatives from Vampires Local 666 for comment were not returned.

You walk in alone and sit by the bar not saying a word to anyone. It’s a strip club but your intense  and filling the room with tension. You stare at the girls as they dance in front of you barely blinking or moving a muscle. The dollars you hand out are few and far between. When you choose a girl for a lap dance she’s usually the least attractive girl in the club to fuel your inferiority complex. After having your balls crushed for forty five minutes you go back to the bar and order a Budweiser with a shot of tequila because now “it’s a party”. Look out for you cruel world your coming to get it, and this party don’t stop until every person in the club is a little nervous that one of the girls dancing may never be seen again after you kidnap and murder her.

Philly's logo ain't got nuttin' on ours

This week, our city unveiled a new logo to help show how inviting Philadelphia really is to business. We liked the idea so much that we decided to just plain gank the logo from the city and make a version that fits the message we want to show the world.

PIF 1. Philadelphia marketing chumps 0.

Since buying this domain we had all sorts of ideas for it. It’s usually the thing we talk about most when we are drinking vodka out of strippers shoes. So, you know, it’s kind of important we get it right.

When I saw the new Philadelphia logo, I knew it was the right time to stop drinking vodka from shoes. It was a call to action unlike any I’ve seen from the city before.

“Life. Liberty. And you.”

Better than “Philadelphia, the city that loves you back”? Better than “Experience our past, be part of our future”? I dunno. It kinda makes Philadelphia sound clingy. Like lime ticks on balls.

I just wish I had the job of designing this thing. I bet they made a lot more than I did this year.

But, it is exactly the icon we’ve been looking to twist into a joke to set this site off.

Thanks, Mayor.