Mayor Nutter, as captured by a readers iPhone today, is gettin' the hell out of dodge.

Mayor Michael Nutter was seen early today outside of City Hall trying to make a quick get-a-way and hitchhike to Cincinnati.

Faithful PhillyIsFunny.com reader Rod Ehnerhole snapped a quick shot with his iPhone. Thank you Rod!

When people in Cincinati heard about they Mayors plan, they immediately posed police on bridges, in bus stations and commuter trains to ship him back.

As far as I’m concerned, Ed Rendell needs to get his skinny ass back here so he can fix this mess and gain 20 courtesy of Tony Lukes. Cincinnati could probably use the Nutter-phucker.

I swear this bird heard all this at the Convention Center expansion construction site…

Mayor Nutter in his special mayoral space suit makes the announcement for a new moon tax.

In a surprise historic event, Mayor Michael Nutter announces a new tax on moon gazing. And to prove just how serious he is, he actually went there to make the announcement.

“This is a historic day for Philadelphia, all of America and indeed the world,” Mayor Nutter said. “I am the first black Mayor to visit the moon to talk about a great way for Philadelphians to not cut programs in their neighborhoods by paying $7.50 every time there is a night where the moon is shining and is more than half full.”

Instead of collecting the millions owed to the city by businesses, private residents and illegal immigrants, the city has decided to continue to tax the people who do the right thing by implementing a trash collection fee. The good news is we wont be taxed on all the trash that covers our streets. The even better news is the city is rolling out a Recycling Rewards program to help offset the impending $300 cost of trash collection.

Maybe it will be $1.22 off a 2 liter of soda, maybe its will be reduced admissions to area attractions, but coupons will be king. Mayor Nutser says citizens could earn enough coupons (they are calling them rewards) to offset the annual trash fee. The city will be placing a sticker on your recyclable bin, which will be scanned each week, and your rewards will be based off of your “recycling performance”. Think it sucks being stuck behind a trash truck now? Wait until they have to scan every bucket before they empty it!

The city made about $375,000 from recycling last year with a 12% participation rate. The city gets $5 per ton. At any rate, with the new program, the city could be pulling in several hundred thousand, and private residents will get a coupon for a free ice cream cone?

Not too worried about our waistlines there now are we ?

Now This is Exactly Why Philly is Funny. This Lady is Great.

Woman 1 – Mayor Nutter 0.

Philadelphia man John Crackel destroys his neighborhood but not using a ladder safely while cleaning his gutters.

Mayor Nutter wants to tax all sweetened drinks sold in the city, 2 cents an ounce. This move is unprecedented and borderline genius. We haven’t seen something so creative since Mayor Street made the boy scouts admit gay scout leaders or pay market rent in their city owned building.
Although taxing sweetened drinks is brilliant, I was thinking about ten other things that would have been better to tax.

1. Flash mobs. We can levy a per participant tax, or simply tax the entire group based on size. Getting punched in the face or having your business ransacked might be a little easier if we all know they are paying to play. $5 per participant, $100 for groups up to 25.
2. Shooting tax. No more going around shooting up the neighborhood without paying the price. Yes that’s right, you shoot up your hood, youre going to pay us by the bullet. Keep using those automatic weapons, because when those guns are ringing so are our registers. 25¢ a bullet.
3. Speaking tax. This is kind of impeding upon our constitutional rights, but hey, we need the money. And anyway, we all have those people in our lives who don’t shut the hell up. Maybe this will do the trick. 1¢ a word.
4. McDonalds. Big Mac = Big tax. 1¢ a calorie on everything across the board. Mickey D’s will go from turning us into fat cows, to becoming a cash cow.
5. Homeless. They’ve been reaping our spare change without being taxed for too long. 25 % of all earnings in exchange for sidewalk rental.
6. Walking tax. This would will get a little tricky because everyone who enters the city limits will have to wear a GPS enabled pedometer. $1 per mile.
7. Blue jeans tax. It will be like purchasing a dress down day. $1 everytime you want to wear blue jeans. We can also use sweat pants here.
8. Obesity tax. Every other city block will have a scale installed which would be monitored by a weight specialist (job creation!). Your will be charged $1 for every pound you are over weight. You can only be charged once a month to give you time to get in shape.
9. Gentlemans Club tax. 50¢ per boobie seen. $1 per boobie that makes contact.
10. Voting tax. We will now see who your voted for, and you will be charged 50¢ for a successful vote, and $1 for voting for a loser.

There it is. Lets vote on that and ride these taxes until we become the next El Dorado.

Guck Money records is going to be very diverse.

Beelzebub steps out of the karaoke nightmare into a personalized cover about the coming of the end of days. This highly original song from the depths of hell will both charm and frighten you! Jeffro Bodine was possessed and features on guitar. Video directed by Sarah Palin.

Done in the original style of the one hit wonder band Looking Glass,
Satan gets down and funky with karaoke directly from hell.
Savor the sounds of the dammed being burned in eternal hell fire
while being serenaded by the fallen angel Lucifer in person.

You walk up to the box office and ask “What’s good here?” not having a clue what any of the movies are about. As the employee explains the plot to one of the movies you ask him “Do other people like it?” and take out your cell phone to place a call to your girlfriend who doesn’t know anything about movies either.  After getting her opinion you ask “Do you have a student discount?” so you can save money on something you obviously don’t need to spend money on. Then you decided to see the movie with the actor who’s name you think rings a bell and lay your twelve dollars down without hesitation asking “Can I buy popcorn here or do I have to go over there?” with a serious face then look lost when your told over there. You’d have it no other way but to spend two hours watching a screen and trying to read sub titles for two hours and then come out and complain that the movie wasn’t in English. It’s your big day out and your gonna kill your time the best way you know how. By wasting it!

Your kid is crying lady. Get him out from under my feet.

I cracked up when I ran across this site today. It reminds me of many Santa Claus experiences I had at the malls in and around Philly growing up.

One year, my Mom took me all the way out to the Exton Mall to see Santa. It was always a big treat to go all the way out there. They had a particularly good ice cream store and these really cool water fountains. I had very high expectations.

Unfortunately, their Santa smelled like poop and was mean.

Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that was the last time I wanted to actually see Santa. I figured if the guy was gonna smell that bad and be nasty, I’d rather he drop the toys off while I was asleep. It also occurred to me that this may just be the real reason he visited our homes at night.

Anyway, it’s great that these guys created a site to share these precious moments, like mine, in photographs for everyone. Brilliant.

Area vampires, such as this one, have upped attacks on innocent humans and Red Cross blood drives

In yet another foray into Philadelphia institutions and the unions that drive them, the local chapter of the Teamsters union is feuding with none other than the Red Cross. Yes, the non-profit organization that makes sure life preserving blood is available to medical facilities all around the world.

Not only have they been accused of blocking trucks carrying blood, but local vampire incidents have suddenly spiked as well leading union opponents to accuse the union of  trying to create a blood shortage.

“The use of vampires to drain people of blood is a brilliant way to corner the blood market and gain a situational advantage,” a source told us. They requested anonymity because of fear of being bitten by a vampire, becoming a vampire and then being thrown into the daylight.

Teamster members that work at the Red Cross pack and store blood, load trucks, deliver blood, assist at blood drives and have no sense of human compassion or the concept of dignity. The complaint from the union cites that the The Red Cross is seeking to reduce lunch breaks to 60 minutes from 120 minutes. They also demand that all other positions within the Red Cross be unionized.

“We need union carpenters to build better racks for the blood. We need electricians to power the blood, plumbers to work the blood pipes and painters to paint the blood,” the Teamster picketers told us. “And we don’t know anything about any vampires. All we know is they are make believe monsters.”

Calls to representatives from Vampires Local 666 for comment were not returned.

You walk in alone and sit by the bar not saying a word to anyone. It’s a strip club but your intense  and filling the room with tension. You stare at the girls as they dance in front of you barely blinking or moving a muscle. The dollars you hand out are few and far between. When you choose a girl for a lap dance she’s usually the least attractive girl in the club to fuel your inferiority complex. After having your balls crushed for forty five minutes you go back to the bar and order a Budweiser with a shot of tequila because now “it’s a party”. Look out for you cruel world your coming to get it, and this party don’t stop until every person in the club is a little nervous that one of the girls dancing may never be seen again after you kidnap and murder her.

Philly's logo ain't got nuttin' on ours

This week, our city unveiled a new logo to help show how inviting Philadelphia really is to business. We liked the idea so much that we decided to just plain gank the logo from the city and make a version that fits the message we want to show the world.

PIF 1. Philadelphia marketing chumps 0.

Since buying this domain we had all sorts of ideas for it. It’s usually the thing we talk about most when we are drinking vodka out of strippers shoes. So, you know, it’s kind of important we get it right.

When I saw the new Philadelphia logo, I knew it was the right time to stop drinking vodka from shoes. It was a call to action unlike any I’ve seen from the city before.

“Life. Liberty. And you.”

Better than “Philadelphia, the city that loves you back”? Better than “Experience our past, be part of our future”? I dunno. It kinda makes Philadelphia sound clingy. Like lime ticks on balls.

I just wish I had the job of designing this thing. I bet they made a lot more than I did this year.

But, it is exactly the icon we’ve been looking to twist into a joke to set this site off.

Thanks, Mayor.